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T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,Publishers,154W.RandolphSt., Chicago 



Good Morning, Teacher 

A SCHOOLROOM SKIRMISH 



BY 

FREDERICK G. JOHNSON 

AUTHOR OF 

'Mary's Millions," "Gimme Them Papers!" "At Harmony Junc- 
tion" ''Foiled, By Heck!" ''It Might Happen," "The 
School of Detecting," "Such Ignorance!" 
"The Press Agent's Hand- 
book," etc. 




CHICAGO 
T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

PuBLIStERS 



GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 




\92_o 



ir-u- 



NO T ICE 



Production of this play is 
free to amateurs, but the 
sole professional rights are 
reserved by the Publishers. 



©CI.D 55105 



COPYRIGHT, 1920 

by 

FREDERICK G. JOHNSON 



JUL 25 I92u 



GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 



CHARACTERS. 

Horace Esculapius Goof The Professor 

September Knight The Janitor 

Bryan O'Brien . A School Director 

Yon Yonsen Likemise 

Tony Spinelli^ Sr A Garlic Hound 

Little Tony 1 A Garlic Puppy 

Mike Mump Half of a Pair 

Percy Prune VPupils ^. . .A Gentle Creature 

Mary Jones ... .Sweet as Peaches 

Sally Smith J L. .^ Comic Valentine 

Mrs. Mump A Strenuous Mother 

School Boys and Girls. 



Note. — The boys and girls may be utilized as a chorus for song 
numbers, and other characters may be introduced. Drills, recita- 
tions, specialties and "stunts" maj'- be introduced according to the 
talent available. 

If all the characters are taken by prominent or elderly people it 
will add to the fun and absurdity of the entertainment. Or the 
female characters can all be played by boys with very amusing effect. 



Scene — A Country School Room. 



Time — Last Day of School. 



Place — Cozvslip Corners. 



Time of Playing — About Forty Minutes. 
3. 



i GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 

m 

CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES. 

Goof — Pompous, elderly, with no sense of humor, and 
very self-important ; near-sighted ; rusty Prince Albert coat, 
striped or check trousers, spats, battered silk hat ; specta- 
cles ; bald or semi-bald wig ; pale make-up ; smooth-shaven, 
or side whiskers. 

Knight — Blackface; dilapidated clothing, large shoes. 

O'Brien — Irish character; ''swell" clothes, green necktie 
or vest ; ruddy make-up ; slugger whiskers ; carries heavy 
cane; smokes clay pipe. 

YoN — Swede character; tall and rhin; suit either much 
too large or too small ; talks in high-pitched voice, without 
inflection. 

Spinelli^ Sr. — Italian character ; flannel shirt, baggy cor- 
duroy trousers, with broad red girdle around waist ; old 
vest, but no coat ; cap ; excitable and uses extravagant ges- 
tures. 

Little Tony — A miniature of his "old man." 

Mike — Swaggers and acts tough ; carelessly dressed. 

Percy — Fancily dressed, Fauntleroy style, with large 
white collar, big red bow tie, large straw sailor hat with 
long streamers ; Fauntleroy wig ; walks mincingly, and his 
manner is effeminate. 

Mary — A pretty girl, attractively dressed. 

Sally — Homely, awkward and absurdly dressed ; pig- 
tails ; gingham apron. 

Mrs. Mump — Aggressive, of the "militant" type. Cos= 
tume severely plain and unbecoming. 

Other School Children — Optional. 



GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 



Scene: An interior, showing a school room with a large 
door opening C, and side door dozmi R. Teacher's desk and 
chair on platform down L. Three extra chairs on or back 
of platform. Required number of school desks and benches 
or chairs from, C. to R. School blackboard stands up R. C. 
Hand-bell on teacher's desk. Electric fan at L. end of 
teacher's desk. At other end a pile of papers on piece of 
cardboard to which is attached stout black thread leading 
off stage through an eyelet in door C. Crumpled neisjspapers 
on floor dozmi C. Black thread is attached to each, and all 
these threads are tied together. To the knot is fastened a 
string zMch leads off stage through another eyelet. Near 
C. door is a peg on the wall, with eyelet screwed to end of 
peg. Through this eyelet is stout black thread, one end of 
which is fastened to Goof's hat. These three threads should 
have tags reading respectively, "Desk," ''Floor" and "Hat" 
to prevent any error of property man. (If practical elec- 
tric fan is not available. Goof can use a palm^-leaf fan to get 
sam^e effect.) 

Music, ''Dreaming," or "Please Go Way and Let Me 
Sleep," piano, for rise. 

At rise, Knight is discovered C, leaning against L. end 
of blackboard, standing up but fast asleep. One of his feet 
is crossed over the other. His Wrouth is open and he is 
snoring, each snore ending with a whistle. After he has 
snored three times Goof, wearing hat, enters with his arms 
full of large books, and with an umbrella hooked over one 

Music stops. 

Goof. September! September Knight! Now where is 
that good-for-nothing janitor? September! 

Knight (talking in his sleep). April, June and Novem- 
ber — all the rest — 

Goof (slams books on teacher's desk). September! 

5 



6 GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 

Knight (wakes with a snort, yawns, stretches, rubs his 
eyes, then suddenly comes to "attention," holding his hands 
stiffly at his sides). Aye, aye, sir! 

Goof. What do you mean, aye, aye, sir ? 

Knight. Ah was dreamin', Boss. Dreamin' dat Ah was 
in de navy. 

Goof. Navy ? What do you know about the navy ? 

Knight. Only all dey is, Boss. Ain't Ah a Baptist? 

GooF. And don't you call me Boss, do you mind? I am 
to be addressed as Professor. 

Knight. You is to be 'dressed as Perfessuh? 

GooF. Precisely. 

Knight. An' what is you when you ain't dressed ? 

GooF. What am I when — never mind! 

Knight. All right, Boss. Ah won't mind. 

GooF. Do you know what time it is ? 

Knight. Yassuh. Breakfus' time. 

GooF. It's nearly school time, and this place is filthy ! 
I should have known better than to let the baseball team 
hold a meeting here last evening. It looks Hke a pigpen. 

Knight. Lak a pigpen? Maybe dey was practicin' 
rootin', Boss — Ah mean Perfessuh. 

GooF. This place must be cleaned immediately, do you 
hear? Go get your broom and clean up. (Knight starts 
off R.) And let's have a little fresh air! {Sits at desk on 
platform.) 

Knight. A little fresh air ! Yassuh. (Starts electric fan 
on teacher^ s desk and property mun off stage pulls thread 
tagged ''desk,'' so that the papers appear to hloiv off the 
desk.) A li'l ol' broom. Yassuh. (Crosses and exit R.) 

As Knight is going out, property m^n pulls "haf tag, 
causing it to appear that Goof's hat blows off and lands on 
peg near door. Goof petulantly turns fan to blow tozvard 
C. Property man pulls "floor" tag so that newspapers on 
floor are all blown up stage and out C. door as Knight 
enters R. with broom. 

Knight (placing broom' against a desk). Chores all done, 
Boss. 



GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 7 

Goof. Professor! 

Knight. Ah means Perfessuh. Now kin Ah git mah 
breakfus', Boss? 

Goof (picking up large bell from desk). Certainly not! 
You mustn't keep thinking about your stomach. (Goes to C. 
door.) 

Knight. Ah ain't. But mah stomach keeps a-thinkin* 
'bout mah breakfus' ! 

(GooF, at door C, rings hell violently.) 

Knight. De music ob dat bell means po'k chops an' gravy 
to some folks, but it don't mean nothin' but nine o'clock to 
me! 

Music, "School Days," fast and forte. Mike, Little 
Tony, Mary, Sally and extra children romp into the room 
and take their places. Mnsic stops. 

GooF (replacing hell on desk and taking large "hlack- 
snake" whip from drawer). We will now have the usual 
opening exercises. 

Knight. Ah hope he don't exe'cise dat mule skinnah 
on de janitah! 

Pupils (all sing). Good morning, dear teacher, 
Good morning to you. 

Goof (sings). Good morning, dear scholars. 
Good morning to you. 

Tony (sings). Good a-morning, dear-a teacher, 
How are-a you today? 

Mike (turns to Tony and sings). Old Goof is a jackass, 

You can tell by his bray. 

GooF (picking up whip). Who sang that? (Pupils all 
look innocent.) Who sang that? Well, if this wasn't the 
last day of school Pd apprehend the offender and chastise 
him appropriately. (Puts doztm whip.) We will now call 
the roll. 

Knight. Why not call de coffee, too, and we'd have 
cofifee and rolls? 

GooF (reads from large book). Mary Jones. 

Mary. Present, Professor. 

GooF. Sally Smith. 



8 GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 

Sally. Prethent, Profethor. 

Goof (looks up and scowls). Don't make funny noises! 
Are you present? 

Sally. Yeth, thir. All but my front tooth. That'th 
abthent. 

Goof. Oh, you had a tooth pulled? 

Sally. Yeth, thir. 

Mike (aside). She ought to have her whole face pulled. 
It might change it. 

Goof (looks at book). Michael Mump. 

Mike. Here! 

Goof. Antonio Spinelli, Junior. 

Tony. I am-a present, dear-a teacher. 

GooF. William Mump. 

Mike (having moved over to vacant seat). Present. 

Goof (looks up quickly and scozifls over glasses). I didn't 
see you come in. 

Mike. Oh, that was Mike you didn't see come in. 

Goof. But Michael answered present. 

Mike. He just went out for a drink. (Returns to his 
own desk unobserved.) 

(Here other names may be introduced in the roll call if 
desired.) 

GooF (reading). Percy Prune. (Looks up.) Where is 
Prune ? 

Knight (aside). Mebbe Prune got stewed. Ah sure 
got a awful hankerin' after mah breakfus' ! 

Goof. It will be most regrettable if Master Prune mars 
his perfect attendance record on the final day of the term. 

Percy enters C, with lunch box in one hand and bouquet 
in the other. 

Knight. An' it will be mo' regrettable yet still if 'n 
Ah don' poke ma nose into a feed-bag in about fo'ty-eight 
seconds. 

Percy (having walked daintily down C). Good morn- 
ing, teacher. 

Goof. Percy Prune, do you know you're late for school ? 



GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 9 

Percy. Yes, Professor Goof, and the knowledge of my 
tardiness distresses me indescribably. 

Knight. An' de knowledge of mah breakfus' tardiness 
distresses me indescriminately mo' yet besides. 
(Pupils all shout derisively at Percy.) 

Mike. Late f'r school, late f'r school! 
Sister Percy broke the rule ! 

Mary. Shame upon you, Master Perce ! 

Mercy, Percy, where's your nurse? 

Goof (sharply). What's that? 

(Percy starts to go to desk.) 

Mike. Practicin' our recitations, teacher. 

Percy (tripping over broom which Knight left there, 
falls fiat and weeps loudly) . O-o-h ! Boo-hoo ! 

Tony. Teacher ! Teacher ! Percy he smash-a da broom ! 

Percy. Boo-hoo ! 

Goof. Did you hurt yourself? 

Percy. No ! Boo-hoo ! 

Goof. Did you spill your lunch box? 

Percy. Yes, but I don't care. Boo-hoo! 

Goof. Then what are you crying about? 

Percy. Oh, I spoiled all my pretty flowers ! Boo-hoo ! 
(Cries violently.) 

Mike. Oh, sweet geraniums! Why didn't dey drown 
him when he was a puppy? 

Goof. Knight! September Knight! 

Knight. Present, teacher. 

Goof. I'm not calling the roll. I'm calHng the janitor. 
Take yonder cleaning implement into your proper custody 
and remove this mess. (Points to lunch box.) 

Knight (scratching his head). Mess? Oh, yes, dat's 
what dey calls it in de ahmy. Remove it? Ah'll capture 
it an' den Ah'll surround it. Oh, yo' li'l breakfus', Ah 
heah yo' callin' me! (Hastily picks up broom, sweeps vig- 
orously on both sides of lunch box, drops broom, picks up 
box and opens it, takes out a colored paper napkin which he 
drops, takes out banana, drops box, starts peeling banana. 
Meanwhile. Tony {)uns Sallt's hair and she says, "Nozv 



10 GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 

you stop," etc. Mike jahs Percy zmth a large pin and the 
latter says, "Til report yon to the teacher," etc. Mary 
manicures her fingernails. Other Pupils in quiet disorder. 
Knight, zvhile peeling hanuna, notices that Goof has sud- 
denly observed. Goof grasps his zvhip and starts to sneak 
down from the platform. Knight shoves as much of the 
banana into his mouth as possible, grabs the broom and 
starts sweeping fast, sweeping the box, etc., up stage, but 
leaving the banana peels visible down stage. Mike whistles 
shrilly and all pupil's at once become orderly.) 

Goof. Now, children, we will have a brief session of 
school and then hold the commencement exercises as soor. 
as the school directors arrive. We will begin with — 

Percy (having received a pin stab from Tony). Oh, 
Oh, teacher! {Weeps.) I have been assaulted! 

GooF. Who assaulted you? 

Enter Tony Spinelli, Sr., C. 

Percy. That great big Dago! 

Spinelli {rushing dozmi C). Dago? Who call-a me 
Dago? {Draws knife from belt.) Who call-a me Dago — 
heh? 

(Knight draws huge razor and, brandishing it defen- 
sively, backs out of door R. Goof cowers behind his desk.) 

Percy {tremhling violently). Teacher! Teacher! 

Spinelli. Oh, da teacha' call-a me Dago? {Approaches 
Goof's desk.) I teach-a da teacha'! Come out, you big-a 
bum, and I cut out-a you' heart! 

Mike. Oh, he's a teacher. He ain't got no heart. 

(Goof peeks over top of desk, Spinelli makes threaten- 
ing gesture and Goof ducks under. This is done three times. 
Then Goof waves his handkerchief above the desk as a flag 
of truce.) 

Spinelli. Ah, you surrenda', you Bolshevik? {Returns 
knife to belt.) 

Goof {comes down to meet him). It's all a mistake. 

Spinelli {excited). A mistake-a? You bet-a. Anybody 
call-a me Dago make-a da big-a mistake-a ! Mista' Teach', 
you got-a da crook in da school. You got-a da t'itil 



GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 11 

Goof. One of my pupils dishonest? Impossible! 

Spinelli (more excited). I no say-a dis-a-honest. Some- 
body steal-a ! Dat-a all ! Some kid-a steal-a from my fruit 
store. He steal-a da orange. He steal-a da ap'. He steal-a 
da banan'. {Reaches for knife.) When I catch-a him I 
steal-a his ear — kst ! ( Makes slashing gesture and Goof 
dodges. Spinelli sees peel on floor.) Ah! What I tell-a 
you? Like Sherlock-a da Home, I got-a da clue! 

Goof. Who brought that banana to school? 

Sally. Perthy Prune did, Profethor. 

Mike (aside to Percy). Teacher's pet? Naughty, 
naughty ! 

LiiTTLE Tony. Teacher slap-a naughty hand. 

Bad boy Percy steal-a banan' ! 

Goof. Percy Prune, did you bring that banana to school ? 

Percy. Yes, teacher. But — 

Goof. Go stand on the platform and await your chastise- 
ment ! 

Percy. Yes, teacher. But — 

Goof. Silence ! At last I have discovered the evil influ- 
ence in this school. You'll be made an example of ! Go to 
the platform ! 

Percy (going). Yes, teacher, but — 

Goof. Shut up! I'll turn you over to the police! I'll — 
(looks at Percy, expecting him to reply.) Shut up! The 
arithmetic class will go to the blackboard while I accom- 
pany this gentleman to the door and make the necessary 
apologies. 

(Goof and Spinelli exeunt C, talking in pantomime. 
Mary and Mike go to the blackboard and mark figures on 
it. Meanwhile Little Tony removes from his pockets an 
apple, an orange and a banana, which he places on his 
desk.) 

Tony. Aha ! I fool-a da old-a man. Like Sherlock-a da 
Home, he is a defective. Da big-a Dago ! (Joins Mary and 
Mike at blackboard.) 

(Those at blackboard should turn their heads zvhen speak- 
ing, so that the audience can hear them plainly.) 



12 GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 

Mary. Look at Percy — ain't he sweet? 

Tony. Old-a man Goof got such-a big-a feet — 

Mike. Has to walk in the middle of the street. 

(Mary and Tony rap out the first beats of a ''break" on 
the board, thus: Rat, tat-a tat, tat — , and Mike makes the 
final bang-bang by slapping a chalk-filled eraser twice 
against the board. Clouds of dust fly from the eraser.) 

Goof enters C. 

Goof. The arithmetic class can now take their seats. 
(Mary, Tony and Mike return to seats.) Percy Prune, 
if you have suffered enough from your disgrace, you 
may go too. (Percy goes to his seat. Goof sneezes 
and sniffs.) I smell smoke. Knight! Where is that black 
September Knight, the lazy janitor? 

Knight enters R. 

Knight. Yassuh. Ah's a dahk an' stormy night ontwell 
Ah has mah breakfus'. Now kin Ah eat — Perfessuh? 

Goof. I smell smoke. Go and inspect the furnace. 

Knight. 'Tain't no use fo' to disinfect de furnace, Boss. 
Dey ain't no fire in it. 

Goof. Don't talk back to me ! 

Knight. Cain't be no smoke when dey ain't no fire. 

Goof. Well, where there's smoke there's fire. I smell 
smoke. You're fired. 

Knight. Den I kin go an' assume diplomatic relations 
with a cup ob coffee. (Starts to go.) 

Goof. No, you're not fired till school is out. 

Knight. Oh, ham an' eggs, farewell ! Ah'm loosin' mah 
taste fo' dis hyah job. 

Knight goes to C. door and meets, as she enters, Mrs. 
Mump. 

Mrs. Mump. I want to see the teacher of this here 
school ! 

Knight. Yas'm. Ah'll tell him. 

Mrs. Mump. No you won't! I'll tell him, and I'll tell 
him good and plenty! What's the name of the insect? 



GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 13 

Knight. He claims to be 'dressed as Perfessuh, ma'am. 
Ah ain't never seen him when he's undressed. 

Mrs. Mump. Such impertinence! Who are you? 

Knight. Ah'm a sunburnt chile of famine, ma'am, an' 
Ah'm starving in de wilderness. Dah's Perfessuh Goof 
over dah, ma'am. (Points.) 

Mrs. Mump (approaches Goof threateningly). I de- 
mand an explanation of the way you have been mistreating 
my poor, little, innocent child! 

Goof (rubs his hands and tries to be z^ery courteous). 
Quite so. And — and who are you, Madam? 

Mrs. Mump. I am the woman who sent the Mumps to 
this school! 

Goof. The mumps? Good heavens? Is there an epi- 
demic? And on the last day of school! 

Mrs. Mump. Idiot! Not the mumps! The Mumps! 

Knight (aside). Not the mumps, the mumps! Dat 
lady's ability at elucidation am transmagnificent ! 

Mrs. Mump. I brought the Mumps to you. Don't you 
understand ? 

Goof. But, my dear lady, I haven't the mumps. 

Mrs. Mump. No, but I have ! 

Goof. Goodness gracious! Janitor, go get the health 
officer ! 

Mrs. Mump. Bonehead ! Your pupils, Michael and Wil- 
liam Mump, are my sons ! 

GooF (relieved). Oh, that's different. So you are Mrs. 
Mump ? 

Mrs. Mump. Who did you think I was — (name of popu- 
lar film star) ? And what's more, I w^ant you to know that 
I won't stand for the way you've been abusing my child ! 

Goof. Your child? Which child? 

Mrs. Mump (hesitates). Well — I'm not quite sure. 
They're twins, you know. Mike and Bill look so much 
alike. Especially Bill. 

GooF. We'll find out. Michael Mump! (Mike stands up.) 
Mike, have you any complaint to make of your treatrneni 
here? 



14 GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 

4» 

Mike. Nope! I never was locked up in a better jail 
(Sits dozvn.) 

Goof {to Mrs. Mump). You see, Madam, it was not 
Michael. William Mump! 

Mike {having moved to vacant desk, stands up). Yes, 
Professor? 

Goof. Have you any complaint at the way I treated you ? 

Mike. Treated me? You never treated me at all, so 
how could I complain? 

Goof. Somebody's been knockin' this joint to your old 
lady! 

Mike. Oh, that must have been Mike. 

Goof {looking at Mike's desk). Where Is Mike? 

Mike. He just went out for a drink. {Sits down.) 

Mrs. Mump. Well, I'm going to take my two precious 
little angels out of this school. There are too many evil 
influences. Such criminal looking faces. {Looks closely 
at Percy, who cringes.) What a ferocious desperado! I'll 
bet he's thoroughly hard-boiled ! 

Mike {having returned to his ozvn desk). Hard-boiled? 
Why, Ma, Percy ain't even half-baked! 

Goof {very polite). Madam, we are about to have our 
commencement exercises as soon as the school directors 
arrive. Won't you take a seat on the platform? 

Mrs. Mump. Well, I'll stay. But you aren't going to 
pull the wool over my eyes. {Sits.) 

{Crash off stage and Knight is heard shouting, ''No, sah, 
yo' cain't come into dis hyah school house," etc.) 

Tony. Dey come-a da cop ! Dey pincha da house ! 
Enter Knight, C. 

Knight. Say, Boss, dey's a couple o' bums out hyah in 
de vesty-bule, an' dey looks lak dey ain't had no breakfus'. 
either. 

Goof. Tramps? Put 'em out! 

Knight. Yes, Boss — Ah mean Perfessuh. {Exit C.) 

A louder crash immediately. Pupils show curiosity. 
Enter Knight. C. 



GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 15 

Knight. Say, Boss, dey acts most indefatigably put out 
about somep'm a'ready! 

Goof (takes mhip threateningly). Throw 'em out! 
Knight. Yes, Boss — Ah mean Perfessuh. (Exit C.) 

Very loud and prolonged crash. General disorder among 
Pupils. Goof runs in terror and exits R. Enter Bryan 
and Yon, each holding Knight hy a shoulder. Knight's 
coat is half off and his clothes are spattered with flour or 
powder. 

Knight. Ah put 'em out, Boss — but dey wouldn't stay 
put out. 

Mrs. Mump. The school directors! 

(Mike zvhistles shrilly and Pupils become very good.) 

YoN. By yumpin' yiminy, Ay tank he ban go crazy! 

Bryan. Sure it's an assault and batthery, that's what 
it is. Hey, is this the school house? 

YoN. By yinks. Ay tank.it ban de fool house! 

Bryan. 'Tis a foine reciption, indade, f'r the school di- 
recthors! Where's the taycher? 

Mike. He just went out for a drink! 

Bryan (shakes Knight roughly). An' who are you, ye 
flat-footed sivinth son of a heavy-handed orang-outang? 

Knight. Me, Boss? Why, Ah'm jes' Septembah Knight, 
de janitah. 

YoN. Oh, black boy he ban yanitor. Ay ban understand. 
No yanitor ban yentleman. 

Bryan. Well, begorry, Oi've half a mind to take ye up 
before the judge, September, and Oi'U bet he'd give ye 
thirrty days ! 

Knight. Das all right, Boss. Ah done got thutty days 
a'ready. 

Bryan. Ye got thirrty days? Sure and for what? 

Knight. Not fo' nothin' in particular but jes' in gen- 
eral. It's de rules. 

Bryan. Rules? Sure and what rules? 

Knight. Thutty days hath Septembah — 

YoN. By yinks, such a smart feller like dis black yen- 
tleman ought not to go to yail. 



16 GOOD MORNING, TEACHER ^ 

Knight. Ah didn't go to Yale, Boss. Ah ain't got no 

college education. ^ , „ 

Goof enters K. 

Goof. Gentlemen, I regret exceedingly that this ignora- 
mus put obstacles in the way of your arrival. 

Knight. Ah didn't put no obstacles in deir way, Boss — 
Ah mean Perfessuh. Ah jes' nach'ally heaved a coal scuttle 
at 'em. You tol' me to put dem two bums out— 

Bryan (shakes his cane menacingly' at Goof). Oho! So 
thim's the foine words ye'd be afther usin' f'r the school 
diricthors, is it? 

Yon. By yiminy, Ay tank dis yentleman lose his yob! 

Goof {rubbing his hands). It's all a mistake. Septem- 
ber misunderstood. Didn't you, September? 

Knight. Boss, Ah misunderstood you-all to make out 
lak you gwine for to swing on me wiv dat maHcious mule- 
skinnah, an' Ah — 

Goof. Never mind ! 

Knight. An' Ah misunderstood you fo' to say to me, 
Septembah, go an' bust de daylights out o' dem two or'nery, 
low-down — 

Goof. Never mind ! 

Knight. Ah don't generally do mind, Boss. 

Goof {threatening with zvhip). Get out ! 
Exit Knight, hastily, C. 

Goof. Now, gentlemen, we will proceed with the closing 
exercises. My dear pupils will first show you what excel- 
lent progress they have made with their singing lessons. 

{The music for the follozmng stunt is "Turkey in the 
Strazv," but with the familiar "break" strain substituted for 
the regular last line of music in the refrain. Goof stands 
on the platfor,m and uses his zvhip for a baton hi leading 
the singing, and after ea^h ''break" line he acts as if about 
to strike the singer, and then restrains himself. This can be 
made a very funny gesture if properly put over.) 

Mike {rises from his seat and sings). 

I went down the street to the barber shop, 
And told him to take just a little off the top, 



GOOD MORXIXG, TEACHER 17 

I fell fast asleep in the barber chair, 

And when I woke up, I didn't have a hair ! 
All Pupils (sifig). 

Rum tiddy-um-tum, tiddy-um, turn. 

Rum tiddy-um-tum. tiddy-um, turn. 
He fell fast asleep in the barber chair — 
Mike. Shave and a hair-cut — bay rum! 

{Comedy business by Goof. Mike sits doz>.'n, and as lie 
docs. Mary rises.) 
Mary (sings). 

I went a while ago to a quick lunch place, 

And I made up my mind for to feed my face. 
I bought one of the huckleberry pies, 

And I found it was custard, covered with flies ! 
All Pupils (sing). 

Rum tiddy-un>tum, tiddy-um, tum. 

Rum tiddy-um-tum. tiddy-um, tum. 
She bought one of the huckleberry pies — 
^Iary. Hamburger sandwich — bow-wow I 

(Same business as before.) 
Percy (sings). 

I'm my mother's darling boy. 

She calls me her pride and joy. 
All my playmates call me a dude. 
I call that extreme-ly rude ! 
All Pupils (sing). 

Rum tiddy-um-tum, tiddy-um, tum. 

Rum tiddy-um-tum, tiddy-um. tum. 
All his playmates call him a dude — 

Percy, ^larshmallow sponge-cake — sarsaparilla ! 

Bryan. Sure if that's singin', don't let the girl do nc 
more of it, Perfessor. 

Goof. Why, that's a boy, Mr. O'Brien. That's Percv 
Prune. 

Bryan. Then begorry there's been a mistake somewhere 
I want him expelled '. 

Goof. Expelled? Why, he's the pride of the school I 



18 GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 

Bryan. The pride av the school, is he ? Ye mane to say 
ye're proud of — of that? Sure and then ye'd better show 
us somethin' ye're ashamed av ! 

{Other specialties may here be introduced if desired. 
They should all he of broadly comic or burlesque nature.) 

Goof. I think the pupils would like to hear just a few 
words from the school directors. Mr. O'Brien, will you 
make a few remarks? {Sits dozvn and immediately falls 
fast asleep.) 

Bryan. Sure, Oi could make a good many remarks, but 
not in a cemetery — Oi mane seminary — where there are 
young ladies. (Mrs. Mump looks pleased and self-con- 
scious.) Well, children, ye should value an eddication. Oi'm 
an old man, and Oi shall always regrit that Oi didn't git 
no eddication. An' Oi guess y'r Professor here feels the 
same way about it. {Children laugh.) There's nothin' loike 
eddication. Look at the doctors. Where would people 
be widout the doctors? And where would the doctors be 
widout no eddication ? Last week Oi was sick, and Oi sint 
f'r the doctor. He looked at me tongue, and he looked at 
me pocketbook, and right away he relieved me. He re- 
lieved me of eighty-sivin dollars! That's eddication. Thin, 
there's asthrcnomy. Oh, what a beautiful, lovely science 
is asthronomy ! When ye go out wid y'r little net and ketch 
the purty little butterflies loik a dog-catcher afther an in- 
furiated canine — 

Percy. Oh, sir, that isn't astronomy. Astronomy is 
when you see stars. 

Bryan {grasping cane). It's when ye see stars, is it? 
Thin the pride av the school will be studyin' asthronomy in 
about a half a minute ! — And then ye learn that such a bee-u- 
tiful buttherfly come from a mangey, ornery little old 
groob, and that proves — that proves — well, it's XoWi eddi- 
cation. Ye can get a foine, bee-u-tiful eddication, even if 
it comes from a {looks significantly at Goof) — well, ye 
know what Oi mane ! Yes, me young friends, where would 
we be today without eddication? How would we know all 
the useless things that we don't know, if it wasn't for 
eddication? How do we know the distance from the earth 



GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 19 

to the sun? Eddication! How did Pharaoh's daughter 
know that Httle Moses was down where the bull rushes? 
Eddication! How can a feller go into a drug-sthore, come 
payday, and get the stuff that's good f r what ails him by 
handin' the clerk a empty half-pint bottle and askin' f'r 
paregoric ? Eddication ! 

(At the beginning of this monologue Knight comes in 
ztnth a board zuhich he lays across the front edge of the 
desks, dozirn stage, parallel with footlights, forming a coun- 
ter. He makes several more trips, brings in cracker boxes 
and other food containers; also a water cooler, tray of 
dishes, etc., ad lib, all of zvhich he arranges on counter. 
Finally he staggers in zmth a large barrel marked ''Candy,** 
which he drops on the floor just as Bryan finishes speak- 
ing.) 

Goof {awakening). Here! What's the meaning of this? 

Knight. Means school's ovah, an' Ah done got me a 
lease of dis hyah dump ontwell de summah vaccination am 
consummated. In de meanwhich Ah proposes to enjoy de 
proprietaryship ob a first-class ice-cream emporium an' 
bean dispensary. (Pushes cloth sign, zi'hich has been rolled 
up on front edge of board, so that it falls and unrolls, re- 
vealing: "sept, knight, grub palace, open day times, 

TOO.") 

Bryan. Sure ye don't expect no trade here, do ye? 
Knight. Da's all right, Boss. Ah got mah breakfus' 
insured. 'Cause why? Education! 

(During this dialogue the Pupils have been inspecting 
supplies, taking out crackers, eating them zinth great relish, 
etc. General disorder. Percy has sneaked gradually to 
the barrel and is just reaching dozim into it when Knight 
comes to the zvord ''education." Knight grabs Percy's 
feet and lets him down into the barrel. Feet kick violently 
till curtain. At the same time Mike grabs whip from desk 
and cracks it a la Simon Legree, and Tony drazvs knife. 
Together, and backed by other pupils, they chase GooF^ 
Mrs. Mump, Bryan and Yon out C., all children then re- 
turning down C. Pupils all in zvild disorder. Knight 



20 GOOD MORNING, TEACHER 

watches exit of Goof and others, then faces audience while 
standing back of counter. Agitato music for pantomime.) 
Knight. Good mawnin', teachah. Boss, good night! 
{Places both hands on counter like clerk zvaiting for cus- 
tomers.) Come on, folks ! {Children crowd around.) Step 
right up an' git yo' ice-cold lemonade, hot-dawg sandwiches, 
all de latest styles in choc'Hts, candies, peanuts and pop- 
cawn ! Chile an' beans lak yo' ain't et sence yo' left ol' 
Memphis ! Cawn-pone lak yo' mammy made back on de ol' 
plantation ! Get 'em while dey're hot, boys — get 'em while 
dey're hot — 

{Music, ''There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town,'' 
for-) 

Quick Curtain. 



DENISON'S ACTING 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. 



PLAYS 

Large Catalogue Free 



FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 
Price 25 Cents Each 

M. r. 
All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 
Aunt Harriet's Night Out, 35 

min 1 2 

Aunt Matilda's Birthday Party, 

35 min 11 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 30 min... 2 3 
Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 
Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 
Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 

Class Ship, 35 min 3 8 

Divided Attentions, 35 min... 1 4- 
Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 
Getting Rid of Father, 20 min. 3 1 

Goose Creek Line, 1 hr 3 10 

Gi-eat Pumpkin Case, 35 min.. 12 
Hans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 

Honest Peggy, 25 min 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 
Just Like a Woman, 35 min... 3 

Last Rehearsal, 25 min.. 2 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min.... 
Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 
Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35ra. 
Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 
Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 

Paper Wedding, 30 min 1 

Pat's Matrimonial A'enture, 25 

min 1 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 

Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 10 

Sewing for the Heathen, 40' 

min 9 

Shadows, 35 min 3 4 



Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 
Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 



Teacher Kin I Go Home, 35 

min 7 

Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min.. 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. 3 
Wanted: a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 
Watch, a Wallet, and a Jack of 

Spades, 40 min 3 

Whole Truth. 40 min 5 

Who's the Boss? 30 min 3 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 
Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

FARCES. COMEDIETAS, Etc. 
Price 15 Cents Each 

April Fools, 30 min. , 3 

Assessor, The, 15 min 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 
Before the Play Begins, 15 

min 2 

Billy's Mishaps, 20 min 2 

Country Justice. 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 25 m. 3 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min.... 4 
For Love and Honor, 20 min . . 2 
Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 



Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Lottie Sees It Through, 35 min. 3 4 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min. . 6 2 

Please Pass the Cream, 20 min. 1 1 

Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 

Smith's Unlucky Day, 20 min.. 1 1 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 
Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Wanted: A Hero, 20 min 1 1 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES 
Price 25 Cents Each 

Amateur, 15 min 1 1 

At Harmony Junction, 20 min. 4 

Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 

Cold "Finish, 15 min 2 1 

Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2 1 

Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 

It Might Happen, 28 min 1 1 

Little Miss Enemy, 15 min.... 1 1 

Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 

Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 
One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10m. 1 

Quick Lunch Cabaret, 20 min.. 4 

Si arid I, 15 min 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Street Faker, 15 min 3 

Such Ignorance, 15 min. ...... 2 

Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 

Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 

Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 

Umbrella Mender, 15 min 2 

Vait a Minute 2 

BLACK-FACE PLAYS 
Price 15 Cents Each 

Axin' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 

min '. .... 10 

Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 2 
Coon Creek Courtship, 15 m... 1 1 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m.l4 
Darktown Fire Brigade, 25m., 10 
Good Mornin' Judge, 35 min.. 9 2 

Hungry, 15 min 2 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Memphis Mose, 25 min 5 1 

Oh, Doctor! 30 min 6 2 

Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
What Happened to Hannah, 15 

min 1 1 

A great number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are listed in 

Denison's Catalogue 



T.S.DENISON & COM PAN Y,Publishers,154W. Randolph St., Chicaso 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



POPULAR 



ENTERTAi 

Illustrated Pape 




IN this Series 
are found 
books touchinfg 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
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A Partial List 

DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Country School Dialogues. 

Brand new, original. 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 60,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Original successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original. 




^ 021 

St.„. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prcse, 
poetry. 15 Nos. 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Christmas Entertainer. 

Novel and diversified. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Sunday Schools. 

Dialogues, exercises, recitations. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletlde Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection, 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

The Black-Face Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland,vla the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 

Laree Illustrated Catalogue Free 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY,Pubtishers,154W.Randoiph St., Chicago 



